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Buy A Personality, Not A Drink

Buy A Personality, Not A Drink

The reader 911 of the week:

When I am out in a bar or social gathering I notice that the girls I talk to seem to lose interest in me soon after I approach them. When I meet them I introduce myself, buy them a drink, and I think I have a good personality. Why is it that the only ones that seem to keep the conversation going are the ones I lose interest in?    

Dear Mr. Buy You A Drink,

As long as women have been aloud in drinking establishments for anything other than working as a floor sweeper or a lady of the night, men have been buying drinks for them. It might seem like a harmless gesture and an act of chivalry, but I think between us two, we know the true meaning of supplying a woman with a drink is to help her lose the inhibition she had to talk to you in the first place.

During my social research days I noticed the same women working new men every 15 minutes to get a free drink. These drink divas are often pretty, but shallow as a puddle on a hot city day. When you play into the drink cliché you are actually doing more harm than good for your future with that woman. You aren’t buying a stranger guy a drink before you start talking to him about the game, and you shouldn’t do it for a stranger girl either. When you use money to provide something to a stranger (even a drink) you are establishing yourself as a person that uses money to try and get your way or provide for the woman. When you trick your cash for a girl, they might milk you for it, and then leave with the guy they wanted from the start.

Before you buy that next appletini, keep your money in your pocket and pull out that good personality instead. When you have created a rapport with the girl then you can split rounds. Using this method will weed out the gold diggers and you can then survey your options from there. If you are lucky you might end up with a 2 for 1 special of looks and personality. Anything other than that and you are just happy hour for a selfish lady. Best of luck, remember that you matter most!

http://www.drethangregory.com

@drethangregory

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Author of I’m Sorry, You are Not a Pick-Up Artist and I’m Sorry, You are Not a Disney Princess

 

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Partner Letting Themselves go, What Can I Do?

Partner Letting Themselves go, What Can I Do?

The reader 911 of the week:

I have never really been the person who judges a person by their looks, but my girlfriend has put on at least 20-30 pounds since we started dating and it bothers me. And it bothers her too in the sense that she always complains about it, but never does anything about it. I'm trying to be the good boyfriend and tell her she's beautiful and sexy and I mean it, but I'm just so tired of hearing her complain about it. She has a membership to a gym, and I tell her that she can do something about it but then she just gets mad at me and apologizes for being fat and ugly. Any suggestions?  

Dear Biggest Loser,

Your question brings up a touchy subject. When we join relationships I believe that there are certain expectations that guide our decision. We fell in lust with a person and how they look, then fell in love with them as a person beyond their skin. Issues tend to arise as one or both of the partners in the relationship begin to change physically from the way they were in the beginning. Relationships have ended when one person loses a dramatic amount of weight. Insecurities arise in the partner witnessing the transformation and if the relationship has issues to begin with it can spell the end of a union.

The same can be said for a gain in weight by one of the partners. If you are truly being supportive of your lover, letting her know that you are there for her and not her appearance then you are doing all you can do. Your girlfriend feels like shit about herself and that may be the reason for the weight gain or it may be a symptom of the weight gain. You have a right to let her know that you can see how the weight gain affects her, and you want the best for your girl. You can suggest that the both of you work out, but you can’t force her to get off her ass if she doesn’t want to. You can tell her that it hurts your feelings when she complains and plays victim about her situation when she doesn’t do anything about it, since you love her and wish nothing but the best for her.

Let her know that you are willing to support her in any way she wants, but that you are not willing to be her personal trainer. Mixing those roles can build up a secret animosity that you don’t want. She can complain all day, but let her know that you shouldn’t have to hear it. Start going on more active dates and taking walks instead of sitting around together watching television. Do all you can do, but nothing more. She has some things to work on that were probably there before you, and you want to make sure that you don’t add to that list. Best of luck, remember that you matter most!

http://www.drethangregory.com

@drethangregory

www.facebook.com/drethangregory

Author of I’m Sorry, You are Not a Pick-Up Artist and I’m Sorry, You are Not a Disney Princess

 

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Dating Advice for Single Parents

Dating Advice for Single Parents

I have been advising and researching about relationships for many years. I would advise any single parent to not fear dating and finding a new partner. Protecting our children from people coming in and out of their lives seems like a great excuse to stay on the sidelines, but a happy parent will do much more for the child’s health than a parent that stays home being lonely. Parents need play dates too. Single parents deserve happiness and should embrace dating as a way to get out amongst adults and gain self-confidence.

When there is leftover baggage from our previous relationships, we want to lighten our load as much as possible before we bring a serious new relationship into the family dynamic. If the breakup with the co-parent is fresh, establishing boundaries with communication and visitation is important. You don’t want random visits from your ex interfering with the routine of your child, nor your potential to find a new partner. Establishing rules via the courts or just agreeing to a schedule will keep things predictable. Keeping things friendly as possible with the co-parent will have a positive effect on your children as well. You and the other parent are still the main role model for how to act with the opposite sex for your children.

Setting up a regular date night or a night where you go out with friends is a safe way for you to keep consistency for your child, and allows you to better predict your schedule. Finding open dates is tough when both people in a new relationship have children, so finding a stable day to meet should make it easier on both of you. Just because you have children, doesn’t mean you can’t have opposite sex friends. Don’t be timid to introduce someone new to your child as friends of yours. Your young child doesn’t need to know that you are establishing a relationship, but if you start dating someone, there is no need to hide the fact that you are a parent. If there is no rapport between your date and your child, you can tell that maybe they will not be a good fit for your life long-term. Better to know this early on then after you get emotionally attached. Introducing a new partner to the co-parent might be more difficult to handle for the other parent. After all, they might be taking over their old spot in the family dynamic. Giving advanced notice and talking about it on the phone should help alleviate any surprise emotions and might prevent a conflict.

In closing, dive in and try to make the most out of being in an “adult space” while you are dating. Don’t be afraid to introduce your child when you feel like it’s right. As far as online dating goes, you wouldn’t bring your baby or teenager on your first date, so I wouldn’t advise putting family photos up on your dating profiles. Stating that you are a parent is enough to weed out some of the people you don’t want to meet anyway. When you have a profile full of baby and child pics, potential suitors will be turned off and are unsure of where they might fit into your life.

http://www.drethangregory.com

@drethangregory

www.facebook.com/drethangregory

Author of I’m Sorry, You are Not a Pick-Up Artist and I’m Sorry, You are Not a Disney Princess

 

This article was for Zoosk.com

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Women Intimidating Men, Never Settle!

Women Intimidating Men, Never Settle!

The following is a pitch I made to a reporter looking to answer these questions: How can a woman stop intimidating men, whether by her looks, or her behavior, or both, without changing who she is? What types of personalities tend to intimidate men? What types of personalities do not? I think this is the article, I was not mentioned in it.

The idea that a woman should change herself to fit a certain type of man is perpetuating a concept that women somehow need to bow down or hide aspects of their personality to accommodate a man. A modern woman might intimidate a man, but it is the man that needs to change their perspective on what modern women are really like. That said, when a woman and man do not match closely in what I call the dating economy (she is a 10, he is a 6) that can cause jealousy and insecurity for that man. It is the same when the sexes/genders are reversed. When we are playing out of our league, we tend to struggle with security.

There are some men that are not comfortable dating a woman is much taller, but that also comes from the man’s insecurity. A woman should do her best to date a partner that appreciates her physically and accepts her personality. The submissive woman might stay under a partners radar and help him feel secure, but if that is not natural for a woman, she should never act in contradiction to her authentic self. In other cultures women that attempt stereotypical “male” jobs have a problem finding a partner due to the social stigma of having a partner that is equal or surpasses them professionally. That is less so in America, but obviously in the workplace things are not quite equal here.

If women let men off the hook by changing their behavior, how will male culture ever adapt to having women as equals or superiors? For women that feel that they are too intimidating, they need to build up their self-esteem and keep looking for a partner that will appreciate them. Never settle.

http://www.drethangregory.com

@drethangregory

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Author of I’m Sorry, You are Not a Pick-Up Artist

 

When a Partner Goes Down, Emotions Come Up

When a Partner Goes Down, Emotions Come Up

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Author of I’m Sorry, You are Not a Pick-Up Artist

The 911 of the week:

My issue is that when I give it up, if there is a spark between us, a connection, and the sex was spine tingling, I get emotional and want more than just physical stuff. The bad thing that I do is telling these guys about my feelings after a few dates and totally run them off. I do have guys that want to know about me and they want me to be their girl, but I have no attraction to them. If I am just going to have a fling, how do I not get so attached?

Dear Ms. Best of Both Worlds,

You are not alone in your situation. The stereotype is that women have a hard time separating their emotions from sex. Women are taught from birth that sex equals love, so of course you are going to have lovey dovey feelings after some yummy sex. With oxytocin and society influencing you, it becomes hard to resist building intimacy with a sex partner. Unfortunately for women everywhere, men are taught the opposite (at least the ones out having casual sex). Your reward for being brave enough to share your body with a man is often no return call and unmet expectations for the near future. There is a real simple way to ensure you get what you want out of the man emotionally, but it does not happen overnight.

If you are able to hold out until you and the man develop rapport and intimacy outside of the bedroom there is a chance he will start investing some emotional energy in you. This is not about slut shaming or telling you that he won’t buy the cow if the milk is free. A man that is only looking for a short-term hookup will not take the time to get to know a girl because he isn’t interested in that. A good way to tell is if he only wants to meet you when it is dark outside, or one or both of you is drunk when you get together. Any man worth having you as a sexual partner will wait at least a month before he stops calling.

Game playing isn’t something I recommend, but a man is like a roach. If you leave food out it will come out at night and eat, but he’s gone in the morning. If you keep your house clean for a while, only a persistent critter is going to keep coming back. Once you decide that a man has stuck around long enough, then BAM! Close that venus-mantrap of yours around him, and you have yourself a boyfriend. In the mean time have hot sex with an asshole if you want, but as long as you have a potential partner to keep your mind on, sex can be sex without the emotional investment. Partnership is a numbers game. Enjoy your Netflix and chills, just make sure that you are also meeting other potential partners during the day. Best of luck, remember that you matter most!

http://www.drethangregory.com

@drethangregory

www.facebook.com/drethangregory

Author of I’m Sorry, You are Not a Pick-Up Artist

Arranged Marriages Common in Asia

Arranged Marriages Common in Asia

I have been working in Asia since 2008. I did my doctoral dissertation on the differences between America and Japan in how they choose partners for marriage and one night stands. I currently live and work in China. In Asia, arranged marriages are quite common still. Chinese parents of 20 something children are aggressively trying to pair up their sons and daughters. A parent hires a dating service to find eligible partners, then folders with information about the candidates are given to the parents.

Children oblige their parents and go on many arranged first dates; usually with the parents going along or having the couple meet in one of their homes. The couple is left to chat alone while the parents mingle. The most important questions are related to the ability to afford a mortgage for a home, their work, and their parents jobs. I work with singles that have had to endure these dates, and I have some coworkers that have settled into an arranged marriage but do not think their partner is attractive, funny, nor do they feel any particular emotional attachment to them. They do this out of family obligation. A parent with single adult children is embarrassed for themselves and their child. Japan considers a woman over 25 years old to be a “Christmas cake”. Once they are past their 25th, they are expired. In Japan the “love marriage” is the ideal, but not always practiced. Women desire to be single, wanting to avoid the marriages that they see as the end of their freedom.

There are some benefits to arranged marriages. When a partner is hand picked by the family, they tend to stay on board with the decision. The couple has a common enemy in some ways, and they often strive to make the best of the situation. When there is no strong emotional attachment, they can live more independently than couples that might be more co-dependent. There is less divorce in arranged marriages. Some negatives, for the women in the relationship, is that they are often forced to give up their chance to choose a partner at some age. I have a friend here that had to move home to her small town to “help her mom” but she admitted later that she was being pressured to marry. She wanted to live her life by her own choices. There are many women in the cities that enjoy the single life and resist the family pressure. If they can sustain themselves, they see it as their shot to find their partner before they feel forced to settle down by their parents. 

http://www.drethangregory.com

@drethangregory

www.facebook.com/drethangregory

Author of I’m Sorry, You are Not a Pick-Up Artist

        

Spot an Online Liar

Spot an Online Liar

Online dating allows for making white lies or omitting things that might become obvious after a few first dates. We usually hold off on sharing the negatives we bring into a relationship because we want to give ourselves time to build intimacy and hope that the person will accommodate us once they know us better. Online dating offers an abundance of choice and we tend to screen people out sooner than later before we even meet them in person. A man might decide to lie about being married before (or currently) if they are looking for a more short-term relationship. Married or not, it makes marketing sense to advertise that you are looking for a long-term partner even if you are not. Men might also fudge a salary or education level to attract a partner, hoping that they will not be called out on it. Evolutionary Psychology (my specific brand) says that status and the appearance of wealth are highly desired traits for men; so a little bump in salary that will most likely go unchecked makes dating sense to those guys that might need the boost. Those abs in the photos might be photoshopped or from the one time in the mans life he worked out consistently, so a person looking on the profile should be expecting to be in the ballpark for looks in the photos, not spot on accuracy. Red flags would be a guy that has information on his profile that he never brings up in chats leading to the date. A profile is marketing what is important to us, so if he never mentions his desire to settle down in the immediate future and his profile states he is looking for a serious relationship, he might be misleading someone.

http://www.drethangregory.com

@drethangregory

www.facebook.com/drethangregory

Author of I’m Sorry, You are Not a Pick-Up Artist

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Looks for Tinder dates

Looks for Tinder dates

In September I answered a pitch about different looks for Tinder dates. I tried to give some perspective, but my words didn't make the cut. To see the final article at MIMI, click here.

I wanted to add some expert advice to your column. I think that any woman that is on a first date in person after meeting on a dating site should look to match their profile pics as closely as possible. The partner may only have the perception of you that your photos create. Try to at least match the color of one of your photos online. If you appear quite different from your profile, your date will be wondering what else might be misleading about you. If you see something in your date's profile that you can bring like a certain beer label or food type, you can win major brownie points for bringing a little ice breaker gift of that item. I hope this helps.

http://www.drethangregory.com

@drethangregory

www.facebook.com/drethangregory

Author of I’m Sorry, You are Not a Pick-Up Artist

 

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New Feelings for an Old Flame

New Feelings for an Old Flame

The 911 of the week:

I reconnected with an old friend (a girl) that I haven’t seen in ten years. I have a girlfriend and there is nothing wrong with her, but now I cannot stop thinking about this old friend. We live close enough to see each other in person and I have been tempted to set up a meeting. Should I set up a date with the old friend or let it go?

Dear Mr. Back to the Future,

There is a strong psychological reason for you thinking about jumping ship and running off with the blast from the past. When we reconnect with a person that we knew long ago, the memory of them and you from that time comes back and clouds your judgment. For most of us, there is a fondness for when we were more innocent and maybe we see our former self as more authentic. It is possible that the girl from yesterday knows you better and in a different way than your girlfriend might. A good way to keep things in perspective is to think about all the ways that you have changed since you last saw this girl. Think of all the bad choices you made and all the women you put yourself inside before meeting your current girlfriend. Now imagine that girl doing all the bad things you have done. Who is the better catch now?

To see if you are mature enough to meet this person without diving into a hot knew you since middle school sexual affair, I have a test for you. Tell your girlfriend that you connected with a friend from way back, and explain the feelings you are having to her. Invite her to meet the friend with you. If that doesn’t sound like a great idea, then it is not a good idea to meet his girl. If you want to have a pen pal then by all means, keep in touch. Since I am not just a cockblocking advice columnist, here is me throwing you a bone. If you are over your girlfriend and ready to cheat and or break up with her anyway go an ahead and have a play date with the old friend. Be a gentleman and keep your peepee out of her veevee until you can assess old news and officially break it off with current events. Best of luck, remember that you matter most!

http://www.drethangregory.com

@drethangregory

www.facebook.com/drethangregory

Author of I’m Sorry, You are Not a Pick-Up Artist

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My Contribution About Race on Dating Profiles

My Contribution About Race on Dating Profiles

Click here to view the full article

Evolutionary psychologist Ethan Gregory suggests some current behaviors can be attributed to what helped us survive in the past. He says, “Safety for us meant sticking within the group where we had resources and mates. Strangers were potentially dangerous to interact with.”

“Fast forward to today, where we live in a multi-cultural world, American culture claims itself as a melting pot, but in our homes we develop a preference for those that we are most comfortable with, and that typically means same ethnicity/race as ourselves,” he continued. “It takes open mindedness and bravery to buck tradition and date outside of ones own ethnicity. Props to those brave souls that are willing to not only step out of the closet, but to step out of their ethnic comfort zones as well.”

http://www.drethangregory.com

@drethangregory

www.facebook.com/drethangregory

Author of I’m Sorry, You are Not a Pick-Up Artist

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