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Guy Wants To Score At The Wedding

Guy Wants To Score At The Wedding

I am attending a wedding this weekend and I am going as a single man. I was wondering if you have had any advice about wedding hook ups, since there is the stereotype, like the movie Wedding Crashers that weddings are the place to get lucky. What can I do to improve my chances of getting a girl to say “I do”?  

Dear Mr. Chicken or Fish,

I too have wondered about the validity of the wedding stereotype. I have been attending more and more weddings recently as my friends pair off to mate for life or death do they part. I have always gone single to the weddings and I have always gone home alone, but not from a lack of trying. See what one of my peers thinks about wedding hookup rules here. The last wedding I attended I traveled with another friend and was rooming with a young lady that shared her perspective on the myth with us. She stated that the stereotype of emotions are true; meaning that the girls that are at the wedding are thinking about their special day in the future and how much they want to be loved for life and they are all ooey gooey inside.

How that translates into a sexual appetite is different for every woman. Being at a wedding is a great place to do some experimenting. As a single man you are able to make your time be valuable or you can be a wallflower all night hugging the open bar.

The ceremony is a good place to observe what you have to work with. Sitting in the row just behind the family is a great place to see everyone that comes in and who they are there for. This will help the conversation later when you approach whoever with “So how do you know insert bride or groom”?

The reception is nothing more than a glorified petting zoo. Everyone will be grouped according to their breeds and availability to be stroked or petted. You will more than likely be at a table with other singles or people like yourself.

During the early part of the reception pay close attention to the people that spend their time at the bar. The women that are bellying up may be there to loosen up their moral garters, or they may be there to drown away their sorrow about being a bridesmaid and never the bride. If there is a single woman at your table, chances are that you may have a head start at a connection since you are both alone and about to get wasted. Within the first few minutes of dialogue with her make sure that you bring up a funny story with you and whoever invited you, and ask her why she decided to come alone, not “are you single?”

When the dancing begins you have two objectives. The first is to dance with the oldest or most physically handicapped of all the guests. People will see you doing your good deed and will be warmed by your compassion as well as impressed by your bravery. This will let any potential unknown suitor for your services come to the surface. The second is to ask the cutie downing the gin and sprites to dance. She may say no at first, but she will come around when her song comes on. Continue to work the room using your petting zoo map. The single girls flock together usually by a water source. When you approach, introduce yourself and wait until a break in the conversation to single out the one you want to pet. You can’t scare one of the animals or the group will attack.

Once you know who you are most interested in then find her married friend (they all have one). Ask her to dance; she will say yes since husbands don’t dance.  Now you are part of a sick foreplay game for married couples at weddings. During your dance you are going to ask about the status of your desirable. If she is single and she thinks you are cute the married girl will introduce you. If the answer is no, then she will tell you she has a boyfriend. Accept whatever she says as truth. If more than one slow song is played in a row, it is just about closing time. Round up the lush that rejected you earlier and tell her that you have waited long enough for her to come ask you to dance, and go cut a rug. Be charming and invite her for the after party back at the hotel bar. Yes means yes, no means no. You are half way home at that point either way. Don’t forget a condom, and don’t mention it. Best of luck, remember that you matter most!


Author of I’m Sorry, You are Not a Pick-Up Artist and I’m Sorry, You are Not a Disney Princess

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How to Boost Your Libido Today

How to Boost Your Libido Today

I wrote this piece for asking for top tips on how new brides and married women can boost their libidos. Again, my words didn't make the cut. So you tell me, who wrote it better? 

Restarting the fires for a couple seems like a daunting task, especially when the coals have been out for some time. New brides should be filled with the positive energy and adrenaline of the new chapter in their lives, but I can see how modern marriages are often the continuation of a long relationship and engagement before the wedding day, and things can settle back to normal pretty quickly after the honeymoon.

Helen Fisher, in her TED talk about love and the brain relayed a story about a build up of adrenaline causing the brain to start thinking romantic feelings for someone. (Check out the talk if you have not seen it). Anything that builds some fear and gets the heart rate going increases testosterone, which helps with arousal in both women and men. A date where the couple exercises together or a scary movie night should get the blood flowing.

One trick that couples therapists use to help couples that have been having problems related to intimacy is to tell them that they should not be having sex for a certain amount of time. This creates a feeling of naughtiness and taboo, and the couples usually end up breaking the rule, building back some intimacy, and feeling more connected. The key to any sustained relationship is communication.

If sexual needs are falling behind mundane tasks, the couple needs to reconnect. A scheduled date night without the kids would help. Even one night set in stone for the couple to take turns creating an evening where the spouse is unaware of what will happen can show creativity, build suspense, and can show love.

If a couple can accommodate consistent moments where they can surprise one another, that should help spark those flames for years to come. A great example of this is the Valentines Day ritual that Claire and Phil from Modern Family have where they assume identities and leave the house to play out a fantasy. Stepping out of the comfort zone is crucial to keeping passion in a long relationship.


Author of I’m Sorry, You are Not a Pick-Up Artist


photo credit: Getty images

Her fiance isn't ready, do I tell her?

Her fiance isn't ready, do I tell her?

The 911 of the week:

I see some definite signs that my best friend's fiancé isn't ready for the next step. Should I say something? I think we could have a heart-to-heart conversation about it except that recently I've been getting a strange feeling that she's worried about me being a lonely single. I don't want to her to think I'm suggesting a wedding postponement out of envy. Any suggestions? 

Dear Ms. Best Friend’s Wedding,

I see that you are in a tight spot if you say something to your friend, as she might be one of those "married is the only way to be" after a certain age, and she might not be so receptive to that heart to heart. You can bring it up as a question, "how does he show he's ready, what are some of the changes you see from when you first met....that type of girl talk. Beyond that it will seem that you are pushing for her to think about things.

She may already see the same things you do, but if she is willing to go through with things, you have to be as well. As long as he isn't beating her, doing drugs, or sleeping with other people, you are going to have to be there to support her through the good times and bad, sickness and health, till they get divorced or you stop caring. As the best friend, we are there to support the good decisions and lessen the fallout from the bad ones. When it comes to this one, let her find out the hard way, just don't tell her "I told you so" if it doesn't happen. 

You are a good friend for wanting to open her eyes, but sometimes we don't listen to those that are too close to us, because we don't want to hear what they are saying, and how it might be right. It will be better for both of you if she loses a husband then if you lose a friend. Best of luck, remember you matter most!


Author of I’m Sorry, You are Not a Pick-Up Artist

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