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sex

Which Positions Help Him Last Longer?

Which Positions Help Him Last Longer?

I responded to a www.askmen.com reporter asking for tips on how a man can last longer in bed. You can read the published article here, and my response below.  

I have some insights to your questions about lasting longer during intercourse. I have been learning about (and practicing) some behaviors that prolong the physical aspects of penetration as well as increase the emotional intimacy during sex for about 15 years now.

My own research into the average length of an American sexual encounter is less than 10 minutes, not including foreplay. In Europe, it is reported about 16 minutes of intercourse length not including foreplay.  You can see a psych today article with that data here.

The penetration time varies of course, but there are some details that can help a man stay engaged mentally while lasting longer physically. One of the first books I read on the subject was How to Make Love All Night by Barbara Keesling. This was published in the 1990’s. She puts forth some data and techniques to use that men can use before sex with a partner that will strengthen the Kegel muscles and allow men to last longer and even have multiple orgasms. The techniques in the book do work to enhance the strength of orgasm, last longer during intercourse, and to have orgasm without ejaculation, but trust me when I say the effort to get to that level might not be worth the concentration and work it takes to get there.

Men are taught by bro science and media to disconnect from sex mentally to last longer. That does not have to be the case of course, but it shows just how disconnected the experiences can be between sex partners. If the reality of sex in America is that we are spending just a few minutes penetrating, men can cut themselves some slack when facing anxiety around how long they need to last. Positions that encourage intimacy, like face to face missionary where the man is controlling the speed of his insertions can prolong the encounter and create more intimacy. When a man has multiple sensations engaged, and he is not considering his pace of penetration, things can end sooner than later.

I encourage men and women I counsel to incorporate pauses in the penetration to connect and give the friction a break so the man can take his arousal down a notch. Sitting in a cobra (sex not yoga position) think old school spider style on the swing set. She is resting on his lap with her legs wrapped around his torso, and her legs crossed supporting her body weight. This can be a very intimate position, him resting inside her, eyes connected, and they can embrace as they wish.

Sex might begin with a penetration, but it doesn’t need to be an all out pump-fest until you finish. Using a rhythm to penetration can help men recognize their level of arousal, and the depth of penetration in any position. Try varying the shallow and deep thrusts and eventually it will be come second nature. The longer the thrust, the more friction. The more friction, the faster the finish. If she is on top, cowgirl allows her to hold him deeper inside her while she rubs her clitoris against him if she wishes. This can allow her to reach orgasm while he gets a bit of a break on the friction, helping him last longer. If a girl is doing an E-Honda sumo style cowgirl, he might want to transition to a pause, or pull his torso close to hers to limit the range of motion.

Many people enjoy doggystyle because of the ability of the man to thrust deeply, the penis hitting the front wall of the vagina, and the bonus of the scrotum grazing the clitoris. The man should recognize that every stroke doesn’t have to be speedy, and can enjoy the sensation of each millimeter of their partners. When things feel good we should resist the instincts to speed up, re-engage with our partners, and embrace the intimacy of the moment.

Before you get to the finish, he should ask his partner how she is doing, and if there is anything else she wants to accomplish. While he might worry about how long sex lasts, at a certain point it can become less about bragging rights and more about dryness and overkill. He only has to last as long as she needs him to last, so make sure he is putting his partner first.

Dr. Ethan Gregory

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Author of I’m Sorry, You are Not a Pick-Up Artist and I’m Sorry, You are Not a Disney Princess and You Matter Most! Season One

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Intimacy Issues For New Parents

Intimacy Issues For New Parents

After childbirth the body undergoes a healing process to return the mother’s body back to a state of normalcy, but the body is still working harder than it used to, with lactation, healing of tissues (especially from cesarean section) and the elasticity of the pelvic area returning to whatever normal or the new normal is for the mother.

While waking life is surely different, so are sleeping patterns. As a couple adjusts to the newborn being a priority, other things naturally adjust in the hierarchy of needs. In other cultures, a woman that gives birth transitions from a sexual being to strictly a mother. Sex in Japan between married couples happens less than any other country in the world (highest number of sexless marriages) meaning once per month or less. Here in America there is an expectation that sex and marital satisfaction will be consistent, but the reality is that marital satisfaction drops when a child is born and doesn’t go up again until the child is out of the home.

A couple must work hard to ensure that there is open communication about intimacy to keep that a priority. That burden is not only on the mother dealing with the physical and emotional transition of being pregnant to motherhood and co-parenting. The father can help ease a mother’s transition by being supportive and attentive to the mother.

Throwing out the typical gender roles and creating an egalitarian household will lessen the burdens on the mother, making her emotional state less stressed with the worries of the day. Happy wife, happy life. The father and mother need to make time to reconnect and the mother needs to know that she is still as attractive to the father as she was before. If the mother is feeling insecure, she should share that instead of holding it back.

Dr. Ethan Gregory

Written for SheKnows.com

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http://www.drethangregory.com

@drethangregory

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Author of I’m Sorry, You are Not a Pick-Up Artist and I’m Sorry, You are Not a Disney Princess

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How Can I Keep Up With a Kinky Partner?

How Can I Keep Up With a Kinky Partner?

 The reader 911 of the week:

The new girl I am dating is a lot of fun. We get along well, and she is very sexual. She sends me naughty text messages during the day, and she has all sorts of kinky ideas. I thought I was open to that kind of thing, but I am a bit worried that I am too boring for her, or that she is really some kind of crazy sex freak that is going to give me a disease. What can I do to keep up, and how do I bring up the STD thing?

Dear Mr. Careful What You Wish For,

Back in my day I always felt a sense of enjoyment when I found a girl comfortable enough to explore with me sexually. There are few things more fun then learning about another person while enjoying sensuous pleasures at the same time. The kind of sex that keeps you up all night and sends you off to work the next day not concerned about the lack of sleep…that’s the good stuff. Now that I am just a tad bit removed from the debauchery days of my life, I have a slightly different perspective on those lovely partners. Let me preface this advice by saying it takes two to tango, so you are also a dirty boy fornicator.

 

The first thing you need to do is find out if this girl’s crotch or throat is on fire before you put your man clit anywhere near them without some kind of shield. It may be too late if you have already been testing the waters, but before you dive in head first you need to ask her some questions, and give some answers of your own. It doesn’t matter how many partners you or she has had, it just matters if you are both safe.

 

Stereotype alert: Girls count partners differently anyway. A girl could sleep with the basketball team, but only count the guy that goes to the NBA. Ask her if she has a condom before the next time you guys know you are going to have sex. If not, you can ask her how she feels about contraceptives and birth control. You guys can go the store and pick out her favorite condom. No one likes condoms but most people like condoms more than babies or genital warts, so keep that in mind.

I like to throw out the question, “have you ever been tested before” because that usually flows into when and what were the results. If you have not been tested in the last six months go do it! A clean report card is a great aphrodisiac. You can even have a date to get tested, and use the excuse that you like her and want to make sure you are both safe because you haven’t been tested in a while. That will help you feel safer being with a wonderful freak, but now you need to arm yourself with tools and techniques to keep up with the girl.

Any bookstore (maybe not Christian bookstores) will have an aisle dedicated to sexuality and self help stuff. Venture down there and pick up a few books with titles like 100 ways to do it and be the biggest freak you can. That will give you a starting point to build on. Let her be the freak, you do the details on the dates, and you will make quite a dynamic duo. For the love of God wrap it up with this one and enjoy yourself! Instead of worrying about where she has been and applying some judgment to her, be appreciative of her selflessness and open mind. Learn from this sexy sage. Best of luck, remember that you matter most!

Dr. Ethan Gregory 

http://www.drethangregory.com

@drethangregory

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Author of I’m Sorry, You are Not a Pick-Up Artist and I’m Sorry, You are Not a Disney Princess

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Just The Sex Tips

Just The Sex Tips

Two quick tips for getting some variety back in the relationship.

 

1. Get out of town. Both partners should find something to do within 100 miles of town that they could drive to or a day trip, but still be back at night if they can’t afford to stay over because of kids or financial circumstances. Most every town in America has at least one claim to fame, and it doesn’t matter what that is, just getting out of the usual date night routines should be enough to give the couple something to look forward to. Keeping the location secret until they get close would make it even more fun for the other partner. Stopping on the way home for quickie would bring the day trip to an exciting conclusion.

 

2. This one might be for the more open-minded couples, but if a couple has never watched pornography together, they should give it a try. Picking randomly from the vast assortment available can eliminate any awkwardness of choice, but the conversations that the vids might spark can lead to some experimenting, new doors being opened, and a new batch of inside jokes for the couple.

 

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Author of I’m Sorry, You are Not a Pick-Up Artist and I’m Sorry, You are Not a Disney Princess

This article was for sheknows.com

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Sexy Tongue Tricks to Arouse Your Partner

Sexy Tongue Tricks to Arouse Your Partner

 

I have been learning techniques to enhance the arousal for both partners for over 15 years now. One of the best tips for the tongue that I have ever heard of and utilized came from one of the first books I read about sexual techniques back in 1999. In the book Sexational Secrets by Susan Crain Bakos, I was introduced to the concept of sensate focus.

This is something that most people might breeze over during their foreplay and lovemaking, but when given its proper due, it can really enhance the feelings for partners. The idea is that we should be waking up the nerve endings along our skin, adding to the sensations that we feel.

A partner that is using their fingers to ease their way up a leg, zigzagging and looping around to have their partner unsure of where the next soft touch will be coming from. Then to go from just a light touch arousing the skin, using the tongue to help create a hot/cold sensation can really build anticipation for where that tongue might go next as we make our way to the more traditional erogenous zones.

A round the neck, breasts, inner thighs and hipbone areas, use the tip of our tongue to wet the area slightly after we blow warm air gently on those spots as we kiss around. Think of the tongue riding the magic carpet of warm air.  Then go back a bit and blow a narrow mouthed stream of air over the licked area. That should create the cold sensation after the warm tongue kisses, and will be a nice treat for your partner.

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Author of I’m Sorry, You are Not a Pick-Up Artist and I’m Sorry, You are Not a Disney Princess

 

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Article written for sheknows.com

How to Boost Your Libido Today

How to Boost Your Libido Today

I wrote this piece for Brides.com asking for top tips on how new brides and married women can boost their libidos. Again, my words didn't make the cut. So you tell me, who wrote it better? 

Restarting the fires for a couple seems like a daunting task, especially when the coals have been out for some time. New brides should be filled with the positive energy and adrenaline of the new chapter in their lives, but I can see how modern marriages are often the continuation of a long relationship and engagement before the wedding day, and things can settle back to normal pretty quickly after the honeymoon.

Helen Fisher, in her TED talk about love and the brain relayed a story about a build up of adrenaline causing the brain to start thinking romantic feelings for someone. (Check out the talk if you have not seen it). Anything that builds some fear and gets the heart rate going increases testosterone, which helps with arousal in both women and men. A date where the couple exercises together or a scary movie night should get the blood flowing.

One trick that couples therapists use to help couples that have been having problems related to intimacy is to tell them that they should not be having sex for a certain amount of time. This creates a feeling of naughtiness and taboo, and the couples usually end up breaking the rule, building back some intimacy, and feeling more connected. The key to any sustained relationship is communication.

If sexual needs are falling behind mundane tasks, the couple needs to reconnect. A scheduled date night without the kids would help. Even one night set in stone for the couple to take turns creating an evening where the spouse is unaware of what will happen can show creativity, build suspense, and can show love.

If a couple can accommodate consistent moments where they can surprise one another, that should help spark those flames for years to come. A great example of this is the Valentines Day ritual that Claire and Phil from Modern Family have where they assume identities and leave the house to play out a fantasy. Stepping out of the comfort zone is crucial to keeping passion in a long relationship. 

 

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When a Partner Goes Down, Emotions Come Up

When a Partner Goes Down, Emotions Come Up

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The 911 of the week:

My issue is that when I give it up, if there is a spark between us, a connection, and the sex was spine tingling, I get emotional and want more than just physical stuff. The bad thing that I do is telling these guys about my feelings after a few dates and totally run them off. I do have guys that want to know about me and they want me to be their girl, but I have no attraction to them. If I am just going to have a fling, how do I not get so attached?

Dear Ms. Best of Both Worlds,

You are not alone in your situation. The stereotype is that women have a hard time separating their emotions from sex. Women are taught from birth that sex equals love, so of course you are going to have lovey dovey feelings after some yummy sex. With oxytocin and society influencing you, it becomes hard to resist building intimacy with a sex partner. Unfortunately for women everywhere, men are taught the opposite (at least the ones out having casual sex). Your reward for being brave enough to share your body with a man is often no return call and unmet expectations for the near future. There is a real simple way to ensure you get what you want out of the man emotionally, but it does not happen overnight.

If you are able to hold out until you and the man develop rapport and intimacy outside of the bedroom there is a chance he will start investing some emotional energy in you. This is not about slut shaming or telling you that he won’t buy the cow if the milk is free. A man that is only looking for a short-term hookup will not take the time to get to know a girl because he isn’t interested in that. A good way to tell is if he only wants to meet you when it is dark outside, or one or both of you is drunk when you get together. Any man worth having you as a sexual partner will wait at least a month before he stops calling.

Game playing isn’t something I recommend, but a man is like a roach. If you leave food out it will come out at night and eat, but he’s gone in the morning. If you keep your house clean for a while, only a persistent critter is going to keep coming back. Once you decide that a man has stuck around long enough, then BAM! Close that venus-mantrap of yours around him, and you have yourself a boyfriend. In the mean time have hot sex with an asshole if you want, but as long as you have a potential partner to keep your mind on, sex can be sex without the emotional investment. Partnership is a numbers game. Enjoy your Netflix and chills, just make sure that you are also meeting other potential partners during the day. Best of luck, remember that you matter most!

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Author of I’m Sorry, You are Not a Pick-Up Artist

Older women, younger men

Older women, younger men

Here is a post I made for Wingman Magazine, about older women dating younger men. It didn't make the article. You can read the full article here.

Women past their 30th birthday are likely to have been married at least once. They are not new to relationships and they are more comfortable with their own bodies than at any other time in their life. They may have been working and they can support themselves and even a child they may already have. They do not need a man to provide for them, and as such, they are able to see men as objects for fun and companionship.

Established women with high self-esteem can enjoy the company of a younger man, receiving the ego boost of attracting younger men while also engaging in some provider behaviors if they choose. A Cougar can appreciate the power difference they may not feel in a relationship with their same age peers. The Cougar is able to establish their needs in the relationship with less compromise. Enjoying sex and having a strong-bodied partner to explore is part of why Cougars choose younger men, but the lack of emotional connection is refreshing to a woman that may desire to live selfishly after sacrificing earlier in her life.

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male and female arousal

male and female arousal

Vaso-congestion (blood flow into the genitals) takes place in both men and women, the spongy tissues that help erect the penis and engorge the vagina happens almost immediately as stimulation commences. The vagina can start lubricating less than 30 seconds after thinking about the upcoming sensations and before sexual stimulation begins. Of course, there is a vast difference from physical arousal and emotional readiness for sex. You may have heard of cases of rape where the body has a reaction to penetrative sex, and many men can recall moments during puberty where an ill-timed erection made things awkward.

The concept of sexual arousal beginning in the brain is true; hormones influence the physical reactions our bodies maintain. Once the bodies are physically prepared for sex, the friction and pleasurable sensations build in our genitals until arousal is at its peak, then orgasm occurs. In both men and women with strong muscles, orgasms do not have to end the sex act. Men that practice and strengthen their pubic muscles can orgasm without ejaculation. They can continue to engage in intercourse without a refractory period.

Men are capable of quick arousal and orgasm. Most women need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm, and even with physical arousal, emotional investment in the sex act is an important factor for their ability to orgasm.

 

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