Viewing entries tagged
relationships

Advice 911: My Partner Is A Wimp

Advice 911: My Partner Is A Wimp

I have a really good boyfriend but he lacks masculinity and that turns me off so much about him. He just isn’t assertive. I could walk all over him. It is as if I am the man in the relationship when it comes to putting my foot down, making important decisions, and getting things done. We have been in public and guys will try to literally pull me away from him to get my number and he wouldn’t do anything! Can you give me some serious insight into how to make this work?

Dear Ms. Cavewoman,

I understand your desire to have a man that will “be a man”. You are not alone in your belief that the man should take care of things like fixing things around the house as well as be assertive in showing that he loves you and should protect you from these other men that find you desirable. Since we moved from the cave to the suburb, the traditional role of the man has been given a bit of a remix. We are no longer required to kill our food so that we can eat, and the man isn’t allowed to beat his woman for burning the chicken. 

Since the invention of the Playstation, men require less and less of a woman, and they have been neglecting the basic “man duties” in order to finish their game of Madden. As a woman, it is a blessing and a curse. The de-masculization of our culture has allowed you to seek work instead of being tied up with an apron and childcare duties but it has also created the sub-species of man called metrosexual and another variety called the good for nothing. A man back in the cave days might not have stuck around after sex with you to help raise the children or fix the air conditioner.

Your boyfriend has trust in your judgment and behaviors, and he hopes that you are strong enough in love and respect the relationship you have built together. By not confronting a man that is pulling you away to get your phone number he may be preventing a physical confrontation, or he may be testing you to see how you behave. The worst thing you can do is tell him to “man up” or that he is not a man, and you desire someone with more butch assertiveness.

When you do that, he will more than likely shut down and not respond in the way you want. What you need to do is watch him and praise his macho behavior when he has one. By giving him reinforcement of an action you desire you are letting him know you appreciate that and he will do more things that get a good response from you. Be patient with the man as he transitions from dud to stud.

It seems bad now, but look on the bright side; he isn’t beating you or forcing you to have sex with him.  He isn’t fighting people out of his insecurity in your relationship. There isn’t a lot of room in the relationship pants, so encourage him to put them on slowly. With the both of you sharing a leg, hope that they don’t split down the middle. Best of luck, remember that you matter most!

Dr. Ethan Gregory

http://www.drethangregory.com

Image credit here

@drethangregory

www.facebook.com/drethangregory

Author of I’m Sorry, You are Not a Pick-Up Artist and I’m Sorry, You are Not a Disney Princess

What do you think? Comment below and sign up for the reader list to be aware of new Dr. Ethan Gregory works.

Bucket Lists Keep Couples Together

Bucket Lists Keep Couples Together

 

A couple that creates common goals is also making an emotional investment in their future together. Having joint goals builds a team mentality that can help smooth over the minor conflicts that occur over time. Like any shard vision or goal for the future, it does not have much meaning unless there is progress towards the goal.

When life gets in the way too often, that bucket list can eventually become a list of disappointments and unmet expectations weighing on the relationship. A couple should set a schedule for their excursions and bucket list items, so they remain a priority. That will keep the couple looking forward to something, and allow them to refocus attention to strengthening their bond. The partner that supports the goals of their loved one will reap benefits of sharing in the joy of their partner’s accomplishments, and might also gain some appreciation for why a bucket list item is important.

The more variety that goes into the bucket, the better. Different bucket list items will bring variety to the couple’s future, and can create some meaningful communication when the list is planned. Of course, if we are in the early stages of a relationship and trying this activity, things like kids, marriage, and relocations might need to be addressed before the couple commits to one another long term. 

When creating a joint bucket list, it may make sense to create some categories. Are there things that can be accomplished locally or over a weekend? Those can be done as drops in the bucket list. Seeing the world wonders might take several years and multiple trips, and that can go as an annual goal to accomplish. There is nothing saying that there can’t be relationship goals or family goals in the bucket as well. A couple should try to make their bucket list something to enjoy and work on consistently. There could even be penalties for missing a bucket list goal deadline. Maybe some extra savings or chore task can be included as a penalty. The only bad bucket list is one that stays full.     

Dr. Ethan Gregory

Written for The Chicago Tribune

Image credit here

http://www.drethangregory.com

@drethangregory

www.facebook.com/drethangregory

Author of I’m Sorry, You are Not a Pick-Up Artist and I’m Sorry, You are Not a Disney Princess

What do you think? Comment below and sign up for the reader list to be aware of new Dr. Ethan Gregory works.

Dr. G Featured in Divine Caroline Article on Soulmates

Dr. G Featured in Divine Caroline Article on Soulmates

10 Signs You've Found Your Soulmate

The concept of soulmates has been around for more than 2,500 years. While the idea may be statistically unlikely, it's definitely appealing. Learn why 10 real women believe without a doubt that they've found their one and only. Written by Jasmine Gordon

Click the link to read my segment at the Divine Caroline website. Below is my short submission for the article. 

I believe that we have found our most compatible mates when we are comfortable farting around one another. When we can share the parts of our minds and bodies that we usually hide from others without fear of rejection or recourse, we have found a soul mate. Unconditional acceptance and encouragement between partners is another trademark sign that you have found the one. 

Dr. Ethan Gregory

Image credit here

http://www.drethangregory.com

@drethangregory

www.facebook.com/drethangregory

Author of I’m Sorry, You are Not a Pick-Up Artist and I’m Sorry, You are Not a Disney Princess

 

Just The Sex Tips

Just The Sex Tips

Two quick tips for getting some variety back in the relationship.

 

1. Get out of town. Both partners should find something to do within 100 miles of town that they could drive to or a day trip, but still be back at night if they can’t afford to stay over because of kids or financial circumstances. Most every town in America has at least one claim to fame, and it doesn’t matter what that is, just getting out of the usual date night routines should be enough to give the couple something to look forward to. Keeping the location secret until they get close would make it even more fun for the other partner. Stopping on the way home for quickie would bring the day trip to an exciting conclusion.

 

2. This one might be for the more open-minded couples, but if a couple has never watched pornography together, they should give it a try. Picking randomly from the vast assortment available can eliminate any awkwardness of choice, but the conversations that the vids might spark can lead to some experimenting, new doors being opened, and a new batch of inside jokes for the couple.

 

http://www.drethangregory.com

@drethangregory

www.facebook.com/drethangregory

Author of I’m Sorry, You are Not a Pick-Up Artist and I’m Sorry, You are Not a Disney Princess

This article was for sheknows.com

Image credit here

Tips to show Authentic Appreciation For Your Partner

Tips to show Authentic Appreciation For Your Partner

As a relationship and dating expert I have advised men and women to recognize the difference between romance, validation, and appreciation. The items you can buy to show love might seem romantic to some, but the stereotype of a valentine’s day might be too surface level to a woman looking for signs a man appreciates her being part of his life.

 

As a psychologist I come from a behavioral background. I see actions speaking much louder than words. A woman wants to feel loved consistently, and to be shown that they are a priority to their partners. Roses smell nice, but they don’t cover up for being a stinky partner most of the time. If a partner feels that they have the resources to give gifts to show thoughtfulness, they might also be using money to substitute for being more connected to their partner.

 

A partner that understands the type of ways their woman wants to be appreciated will never go wrong. Taking the time to communicate daily, share compliments, and to maintain intimacy within a relationship will keep the union stronger than a box of chocolates can accomplish. When I am in a relationship or advising others, I recommend using purchases sparingly to show love, because it sets a bad precedent. Taking care of the details regularly is one key to my approach to life, the Ethan Gregory Approach.

 

A partner must use familiarity with their partner to extract what her needs are, then meet them as often as possible. The details are where a partner earns their respect. Appreciating the uniqueness of our partners makes women feel that they are the only one getting that kind of treatment, and only intimacy and “real” quality time can create that bond. Random gifts to show appreciation are wonderful, but just as gentle reminders, not as substitute for the hard work of maintaining a great relationship.

 

In my opinion, a partner shows love through being present emotionally, through actions that anticipate needs, and allowing their woman to shine by supporting her however she needs. Not all partners are practiced at the art of appreciation. A woman must use that psychology of rewarding the good behaviors, and creating a consequence for the ones we want to eliminate.

 

Open communication early on about what makes her feel appreciated will go a long way in helping a partner do better. If we do not state our needs, we cannot expect our partners to change. Setting rules for gifting might help create a level playing field and eliminate grand gestures.

 

http://www.drethangregory.com

@drethangregory

www.facebook.com/drethangregory

Author of I’m Sorry, You are Not a Pick-Up Artist and I’m Sorry, You are Not a Disney Princess

 

This article was for Women’s Health

Image credit here

Partner Letting Themselves go, What Can I Do?

Partner Letting Themselves go, What Can I Do?

The reader 911 of the week:

I have never really been the person who judges a person by their looks, but my girlfriend has put on at least 20-30 pounds since we started dating and it bothers me. And it bothers her too in the sense that she always complains about it, but never does anything about it. I'm trying to be the good boyfriend and tell her she's beautiful and sexy and I mean it, but I'm just so tired of hearing her complain about it. She has a membership to a gym, and I tell her that she can do something about it but then she just gets mad at me and apologizes for being fat and ugly. Any suggestions?  

Dear Biggest Loser,

Your question brings up a touchy subject. When we join relationships I believe that there are certain expectations that guide our decision. We fell in lust with a person and how they look, then fell in love with them as a person beyond their skin. Issues tend to arise as one or both of the partners in the relationship begin to change physically from the way they were in the beginning. Relationships have ended when one person loses a dramatic amount of weight. Insecurities arise in the partner witnessing the transformation and if the relationship has issues to begin with it can spell the end of a union.

The same can be said for a gain in weight by one of the partners. If you are truly being supportive of your lover, letting her know that you are there for her and not her appearance then you are doing all you can do. Your girlfriend feels like shit about herself and that may be the reason for the weight gain or it may be a symptom of the weight gain. You have a right to let her know that you can see how the weight gain affects her, and you want the best for your girl. You can suggest that the both of you work out, but you can’t force her to get off her ass if she doesn’t want to. You can tell her that it hurts your feelings when she complains and plays victim about her situation when she doesn’t do anything about it, since you love her and wish nothing but the best for her.

Let her know that you are willing to support her in any way she wants, but that you are not willing to be her personal trainer. Mixing those roles can build up a secret animosity that you don’t want. She can complain all day, but let her know that you shouldn’t have to hear it. Start going on more active dates and taking walks instead of sitting around together watching television. Do all you can do, but nothing more. She has some things to work on that were probably there before you, and you want to make sure that you don’t add to that list. Best of luck, remember that you matter most!

http://www.drethangregory.com

@drethangregory

www.facebook.com/drethangregory

Author of I’m Sorry, You are Not a Pick-Up Artist and I’m Sorry, You are Not a Disney Princess

 

image credit here

Women Intimidating Men, Never Settle!

Women Intimidating Men, Never Settle!

The following is a pitch I made to a reporter looking to answer these questions: How can a woman stop intimidating men, whether by her looks, or her behavior, or both, without changing who she is? What types of personalities tend to intimidate men? What types of personalities do not? I think this is the article, I was not mentioned in it.

The idea that a woman should change herself to fit a certain type of man is perpetuating a concept that women somehow need to bow down or hide aspects of their personality to accommodate a man. A modern woman might intimidate a man, but it is the man that needs to change their perspective on what modern women are really like. That said, when a woman and man do not match closely in what I call the dating economy (she is a 10, he is a 6) that can cause jealousy and insecurity for that man. It is the same when the sexes/genders are reversed. When we are playing out of our league, we tend to struggle with security.

There are some men that are not comfortable dating a woman is much taller, but that also comes from the man’s insecurity. A woman should do her best to date a partner that appreciates her physically and accepts her personality. The submissive woman might stay under a partners radar and help him feel secure, but if that is not natural for a woman, she should never act in contradiction to her authentic self. In other cultures women that attempt stereotypical “male” jobs have a problem finding a partner due to the social stigma of having a partner that is equal or surpasses them professionally. That is less so in America, but obviously in the workplace things are not quite equal here.

If women let men off the hook by changing their behavior, how will male culture ever adapt to having women as equals or superiors? For women that feel that they are too intimidating, they need to build up their self-esteem and keep looking for a partner that will appreciate them. Never settle.

http://www.drethangregory.com

@drethangregory

www.facebook.com/drethangregory

Author of I’m Sorry, You are Not a Pick-Up Artist

 

Older women, younger men

Older women, younger men

Here is a post I made for Wingman Magazine, about older women dating younger men. It didn't make the article. You can read the full article here.

Women past their 30th birthday are likely to have been married at least once. They are not new to relationships and they are more comfortable with their own bodies than at any other time in their life. They may have been working and they can support themselves and even a child they may already have. They do not need a man to provide for them, and as such, they are able to see men as objects for fun and companionship.

Established women with high self-esteem can enjoy the company of a younger man, receiving the ego boost of attracting younger men while also engaging in some provider behaviors if they choose. A Cougar can appreciate the power difference they may not feel in a relationship with their same age peers. The Cougar is able to establish their needs in the relationship with less compromise. Enjoying sex and having a strong-bodied partner to explore is part of why Cougars choose younger men, but the lack of emotional connection is refreshing to a woman that may desire to live selfishly after sacrificing earlier in her life.

http://www.drethangregory.com

@drethangregory

www.facebook.com/drethangregory

Author of I’m Sorry, You are Not a Pick-Up Artist

 

 

 

Her fiance isn't ready, do I tell her?

Her fiance isn't ready, do I tell her?

The 911 of the week:

I see some definite signs that my best friend's fiancé isn't ready for the next step. Should I say something? I think we could have a heart-to-heart conversation about it except that recently I've been getting a strange feeling that she's worried about me being a lonely single. I don't want to her to think I'm suggesting a wedding postponement out of envy. Any suggestions? 

Dear Ms. Best Friend’s Wedding,

I see that you are in a tight spot if you say something to your friend, as she might be one of those "married is the only way to be" after a certain age, and she might not be so receptive to that heart to heart. You can bring it up as a question, "how does he show he's ready, what are some of the changes you see from when you first met....that type of girl talk. Beyond that it will seem that you are pushing for her to think about things.

She may already see the same things you do, but if she is willing to go through with things, you have to be as well. As long as he isn't beating her, doing drugs, or sleeping with other people, you are going to have to be there to support her through the good times and bad, sickness and health, till they get divorced or you stop caring. As the best friend, we are there to support the good decisions and lessen the fallout from the bad ones. When it comes to this one, let her find out the hard way, just don't tell her "I told you so" if it doesn't happen. 

You are a good friend for wanting to open her eyes, but sometimes we don't listen to those that are too close to us, because we don't want to hear what they are saying, and how it might be right. It will be better for both of you if she loses a husband then if you lose a friend. Best of luck, remember you matter most!

http://www.drethangregory.com

@drethangregory

www.facebook.com/drethangregory

Author of I’m Sorry, You are Not a Pick-Up Artist

image credit here

After the Love Has Gone

After the Love Has Gone

The 911 of the week

My relationship ended last month and I haven’t been able to clear my head of what went wrong. My ex and I had been together for a few years off and on. Each time we broke up it was because she felt trapped in the relationship and wanted to see what else was out there for her. Now she is saying that she doesn’t love me the way she used to. I wasn’t always the most considerate boyfriend while we were together and I might have helped to push her away. She says that I am her best friend and she wants me in her life. How do I get all of this off of my mind, and should I try and win her back?    

Dear Mr. Groundhog Day,

Breaking up is hard. Being left is even harder. Being a man being left is the hardest. By virtue of having a penis we are gendered to believe that we are in control of our lives and anything negative happening to us is our fault(just ask our girlfriends). The sad part about your situation is that it is your fault. You didn’t intend to be in this situation, but there are actions that occurred previous to when your relationship ended this last time that could have been avoided. Love makes people do terrible things to themselves, and sometimes to others. You can feel better knowing that your relationship didn’t end when you broke up a few weeks ago.

Your girlfriend has been out of the relationship since way back when she broke up with you the first time. When a person says that they do not want to be in a relationship they mean it. More specifically they mean that they do not want to be in a relationship with the person they are with. The mistake you made was to take her back after the second break up. There is a saying; if you love something set it free, if it comes back it’s meant to be. Life doesn’t always work out like that. Your girl might have meant to be single and to date other dudes while she grew as a person, but she probably just had a few one-night stands and drank a lot of red wine with her girlfriends.

When she got lonely, she went where she felt comfortable, which was with you because you love her and you are safe for her. That is why she says you are her best friend. You are her best friend because I bet if she treated anyone over the past few years the way that she treated you she wouldn’t have any other friends. Your love for her kept you making the same bad choices to keep her in your life. You can regret that, or you can be proud of yourself for being loyal to a person and forgiving someone (something some people never do). Now you find yourself in a position to stand up for your pride as well as grow as an individual.

You have been infected with a virus for a long time, and the only antidote is to remove this tumor from your heart and life space. If she can keep you as a friend, then she can receive the benefit of you in her life, and date other people. You need to delete her number from your phone, block her on social media, and stop receiving texts from her. Let her feel what it is like to truly live without you. You are the man! You will find a hot chick with less issues and lower self esteem that will fill up that space your ex girlfriend created. If you put in a little work over the next few weeks and months you can then decide to let your ex back into your life as friends only.

Do not let loneliness be your life coach. Mr. Lonely will have you repeating the same patterns. Make an effort to go out and enjoy life, pick up a new hobby or an old one. Stay busy, and don’t close yourself off to anyone but your ex. She expects you to be there for her when she feels like shit. When she feels like that, treat her like one and flush her away (at least for the next few months). A good book about breaking it off completely is Its Called a Breakup Because it's Broken, by Greg Behrendt. Best of luck, remember that you matter most!

http://www.drethangregory.com

@drethangregory

www.facebook.com/drethangregory

Author of I’m Sorry, You are Not a Pick-Up Artist

photo credit here