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dating

How Can I Keep Up With a Kinky Partner?

How Can I Keep Up With a Kinky Partner?

 The reader 911 of the week:

The new girl I am dating is a lot of fun. We get along well, and she is very sexual. She sends me naughty text messages during the day, and she has all sorts of kinky ideas. I thought I was open to that kind of thing, but I am a bit worried that I am too boring for her, or that she is really some kind of crazy sex freak that is going to give me a disease. What can I do to keep up, and how do I bring up the STD thing?

Dear Mr. Careful What You Wish For,

Back in my day I always felt a sense of enjoyment when I found a girl comfortable enough to explore with me sexually. There are few things more fun then learning about another person while enjoying sensuous pleasures at the same time. The kind of sex that keeps you up all night and sends you off to work the next day not concerned about the lack of sleep…that’s the good stuff. Now that I am just a tad bit removed from the debauchery days of my life, I have a slightly different perspective on those lovely partners. Let me preface this advice by saying it takes two to tango, so you are also a dirty boy fornicator.

 

The first thing you need to do is find out if this girl’s crotch or throat is on fire before you put your man clit anywhere near them without some kind of shield. It may be too late if you have already been testing the waters, but before you dive in head first you need to ask her some questions, and give some answers of your own. It doesn’t matter how many partners you or she has had, it just matters if you are both safe.

 

Stereotype alert: Girls count partners differently anyway. A girl could sleep with the basketball team, but only count the guy that goes to the NBA. Ask her if she has a condom before the next time you guys know you are going to have sex. If not, you can ask her how she feels about contraceptives and birth control. You guys can go the store and pick out her favorite condom. No one likes condoms but most people like condoms more than babies or genital warts, so keep that in mind.

I like to throw out the question, “have you ever been tested before” because that usually flows into when and what were the results. If you have not been tested in the last six months go do it! A clean report card is a great aphrodisiac. You can even have a date to get tested, and use the excuse that you like her and want to make sure you are both safe because you haven’t been tested in a while. That will help you feel safer being with a wonderful freak, but now you need to arm yourself with tools and techniques to keep up with the girl.

Any bookstore (maybe not Christian bookstores) will have an aisle dedicated to sexuality and self help stuff. Venture down there and pick up a few books with titles like 100 ways to do it and be the biggest freak you can. That will give you a starting point to build on. Let her be the freak, you do the details on the dates, and you will make quite a dynamic duo. For the love of God wrap it up with this one and enjoy yourself! Instead of worrying about where she has been and applying some judgment to her, be appreciative of her selflessness and open mind. Learn from this sexy sage. Best of luck, remember that you matter most!

Dr. Ethan Gregory 

http://www.drethangregory.com

@drethangregory

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Author of I’m Sorry, You are Not a Pick-Up Artist and I’m Sorry, You are Not a Disney Princess

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Buy A Personality, Not A Drink

Buy A Personality, Not A Drink

The reader 911 of the week:

When I am out in a bar or social gathering I notice that the girls I talk to seem to lose interest in me soon after I approach them. When I meet them I introduce myself, buy them a drink, and I think I have a good personality. Why is it that the only ones that seem to keep the conversation going are the ones I lose interest in?    

Dear Mr. Buy You A Drink,

As long as women have been aloud in drinking establishments for anything other than working as a floor sweeper or a lady of the night, men have been buying drinks for them. It might seem like a harmless gesture and an act of chivalry, but I think between us two, we know the true meaning of supplying a woman with a drink is to help her lose the inhibition she had to talk to you in the first place.

During my social research days I noticed the same women working new men every 15 minutes to get a free drink. These drink divas are often pretty, but shallow as a puddle on a hot city day. When you play into the drink cliché you are actually doing more harm than good for your future with that woman. You aren’t buying a stranger guy a drink before you start talking to him about the game, and you shouldn’t do it for a stranger girl either. When you use money to provide something to a stranger (even a drink) you are establishing yourself as a person that uses money to try and get your way or provide for the woman. When you trick your cash for a girl, they might milk you for it, and then leave with the guy they wanted from the start.

Before you buy that next appletini, keep your money in your pocket and pull out that good personality instead. When you have created a rapport with the girl then you can split rounds. Using this method will weed out the gold diggers and you can then survey your options from there. If you are lucky you might end up with a 2 for 1 special of looks and personality. Anything other than that and you are just happy hour for a selfish lady. Best of luck, remember that you matter most!

http://www.drethangregory.com

@drethangregory

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Author of I’m Sorry, You are Not a Pick-Up Artist and I’m Sorry, You are Not a Disney Princess

 

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Dating Advice for Single Parents

Dating Advice for Single Parents

I have been advising and researching about relationships for many years. I would advise any single parent to not fear dating and finding a new partner. Protecting our children from people coming in and out of their lives seems like a great excuse to stay on the sidelines, but a happy parent will do much more for the child’s health than a parent that stays home being lonely. Parents need play dates too. Single parents deserve happiness and should embrace dating as a way to get out amongst adults and gain self-confidence.

When there is leftover baggage from our previous relationships, we want to lighten our load as much as possible before we bring a serious new relationship into the family dynamic. If the breakup with the co-parent is fresh, establishing boundaries with communication and visitation is important. You don’t want random visits from your ex interfering with the routine of your child, nor your potential to find a new partner. Establishing rules via the courts or just agreeing to a schedule will keep things predictable. Keeping things friendly as possible with the co-parent will have a positive effect on your children as well. You and the other parent are still the main role model for how to act with the opposite sex for your children.

Setting up a regular date night or a night where you go out with friends is a safe way for you to keep consistency for your child, and allows you to better predict your schedule. Finding open dates is tough when both people in a new relationship have children, so finding a stable day to meet should make it easier on both of you. Just because you have children, doesn’t mean you can’t have opposite sex friends. Don’t be timid to introduce someone new to your child as friends of yours. Your young child doesn’t need to know that you are establishing a relationship, but if you start dating someone, there is no need to hide the fact that you are a parent. If there is no rapport between your date and your child, you can tell that maybe they will not be a good fit for your life long-term. Better to know this early on then after you get emotionally attached. Introducing a new partner to the co-parent might be more difficult to handle for the other parent. After all, they might be taking over their old spot in the family dynamic. Giving advanced notice and talking about it on the phone should help alleviate any surprise emotions and might prevent a conflict.

In closing, dive in and try to make the most out of being in an “adult space” while you are dating. Don’t be afraid to introduce your child when you feel like it’s right. As far as online dating goes, you wouldn’t bring your baby or teenager on your first date, so I wouldn’t advise putting family photos up on your dating profiles. Stating that you are a parent is enough to weed out some of the people you don’t want to meet anyway. When you have a profile full of baby and child pics, potential suitors will be turned off and are unsure of where they might fit into your life.

http://www.drethangregory.com

@drethangregory

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Author of I’m Sorry, You are Not a Pick-Up Artist and I’m Sorry, You are Not a Disney Princess

 

This article was for Zoosk.com

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Women Intimidating Men, Never Settle!

Women Intimidating Men, Never Settle!

The following is a pitch I made to a reporter looking to answer these questions: How can a woman stop intimidating men, whether by her looks, or her behavior, or both, without changing who she is? What types of personalities tend to intimidate men? What types of personalities do not? I think this is the article, I was not mentioned in it.

The idea that a woman should change herself to fit a certain type of man is perpetuating a concept that women somehow need to bow down or hide aspects of their personality to accommodate a man. A modern woman might intimidate a man, but it is the man that needs to change their perspective on what modern women are really like. That said, when a woman and man do not match closely in what I call the dating economy (she is a 10, he is a 6) that can cause jealousy and insecurity for that man. It is the same when the sexes/genders are reversed. When we are playing out of our league, we tend to struggle with security.

There are some men that are not comfortable dating a woman is much taller, but that also comes from the man’s insecurity. A woman should do her best to date a partner that appreciates her physically and accepts her personality. The submissive woman might stay under a partners radar and help him feel secure, but if that is not natural for a woman, she should never act in contradiction to her authentic self. In other cultures women that attempt stereotypical “male” jobs have a problem finding a partner due to the social stigma of having a partner that is equal or surpasses them professionally. That is less so in America, but obviously in the workplace things are not quite equal here.

If women let men off the hook by changing their behavior, how will male culture ever adapt to having women as equals or superiors? For women that feel that they are too intimidating, they need to build up their self-esteem and keep looking for a partner that will appreciate them. Never settle.

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Author of I’m Sorry, You are Not a Pick-Up Artist

 

When a Partner Goes Down, Emotions Come Up

When a Partner Goes Down, Emotions Come Up

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Author of I’m Sorry, You are Not a Pick-Up Artist

The 911 of the week:

My issue is that when I give it up, if there is a spark between us, a connection, and the sex was spine tingling, I get emotional and want more than just physical stuff. The bad thing that I do is telling these guys about my feelings after a few dates and totally run them off. I do have guys that want to know about me and they want me to be their girl, but I have no attraction to them. If I am just going to have a fling, how do I not get so attached?

Dear Ms. Best of Both Worlds,

You are not alone in your situation. The stereotype is that women have a hard time separating their emotions from sex. Women are taught from birth that sex equals love, so of course you are going to have lovey dovey feelings after some yummy sex. With oxytocin and society influencing you, it becomes hard to resist building intimacy with a sex partner. Unfortunately for women everywhere, men are taught the opposite (at least the ones out having casual sex). Your reward for being brave enough to share your body with a man is often no return call and unmet expectations for the near future. There is a real simple way to ensure you get what you want out of the man emotionally, but it does not happen overnight.

If you are able to hold out until you and the man develop rapport and intimacy outside of the bedroom there is a chance he will start investing some emotional energy in you. This is not about slut shaming or telling you that he won’t buy the cow if the milk is free. A man that is only looking for a short-term hookup will not take the time to get to know a girl because he isn’t interested in that. A good way to tell is if he only wants to meet you when it is dark outside, or one or both of you is drunk when you get together. Any man worth having you as a sexual partner will wait at least a month before he stops calling.

Game playing isn’t something I recommend, but a man is like a roach. If you leave food out it will come out at night and eat, but he’s gone in the morning. If you keep your house clean for a while, only a persistent critter is going to keep coming back. Once you decide that a man has stuck around long enough, then BAM! Close that venus-mantrap of yours around him, and you have yourself a boyfriend. In the mean time have hot sex with an asshole if you want, but as long as you have a potential partner to keep your mind on, sex can be sex without the emotional investment. Partnership is a numbers game. Enjoy your Netflix and chills, just make sure that you are also meeting other potential partners during the day. Best of luck, remember that you matter most!

http://www.drethangregory.com

@drethangregory

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Author of I’m Sorry, You are Not a Pick-Up Artist

Arranged Marriages Common in Asia

Arranged Marriages Common in Asia

I have been working in Asia since 2008. I did my doctoral dissertation on the differences between America and Japan in how they choose partners for marriage and one night stands. I currently live and work in China. In Asia, arranged marriages are quite common still. Chinese parents of 20 something children are aggressively trying to pair up their sons and daughters. A parent hires a dating service to find eligible partners, then folders with information about the candidates are given to the parents.

Children oblige their parents and go on many arranged first dates; usually with the parents going along or having the couple meet in one of their homes. The couple is left to chat alone while the parents mingle. The most important questions are related to the ability to afford a mortgage for a home, their work, and their parents jobs. I work with singles that have had to endure these dates, and I have some coworkers that have settled into an arranged marriage but do not think their partner is attractive, funny, nor do they feel any particular emotional attachment to them. They do this out of family obligation. A parent with single adult children is embarrassed for themselves and their child. Japan considers a woman over 25 years old to be a “Christmas cake”. Once they are past their 25th, they are expired. In Japan the “love marriage” is the ideal, but not always practiced. Women desire to be single, wanting to avoid the marriages that they see as the end of their freedom.

There are some benefits to arranged marriages. When a partner is hand picked by the family, they tend to stay on board with the decision. The couple has a common enemy in some ways, and they often strive to make the best of the situation. When there is no strong emotional attachment, they can live more independently than couples that might be more co-dependent. There is less divorce in arranged marriages. Some negatives, for the women in the relationship, is that they are often forced to give up their chance to choose a partner at some age. I have a friend here that had to move home to her small town to “help her mom” but she admitted later that she was being pressured to marry. She wanted to live her life by her own choices. There are many women in the cities that enjoy the single life and resist the family pressure. If they can sustain themselves, they see it as their shot to find their partner before they feel forced to settle down by their parents. 

http://www.drethangregory.com

@drethangregory

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Author of I’m Sorry, You are Not a Pick-Up Artist

        

Spot an Online Liar

Spot an Online Liar

Online dating allows for making white lies or omitting things that might become obvious after a few first dates. We usually hold off on sharing the negatives we bring into a relationship because we want to give ourselves time to build intimacy and hope that the person will accommodate us once they know us better. Online dating offers an abundance of choice and we tend to screen people out sooner than later before we even meet them in person. A man might decide to lie about being married before (or currently) if they are looking for a more short-term relationship. Married or not, it makes marketing sense to advertise that you are looking for a long-term partner even if you are not. Men might also fudge a salary or education level to attract a partner, hoping that they will not be called out on it. Evolutionary Psychology (my specific brand) says that status and the appearance of wealth are highly desired traits for men; so a little bump in salary that will most likely go unchecked makes dating sense to those guys that might need the boost. Those abs in the photos might be photoshopped or from the one time in the mans life he worked out consistently, so a person looking on the profile should be expecting to be in the ballpark for looks in the photos, not spot on accuracy. Red flags would be a guy that has information on his profile that he never brings up in chats leading to the date. A profile is marketing what is important to us, so if he never mentions his desire to settle down in the immediate future and his profile states he is looking for a serious relationship, he might be misleading someone.

http://www.drethangregory.com

@drethangregory

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Author of I’m Sorry, You are Not a Pick-Up Artist

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New Feelings for an Old Flame

New Feelings for an Old Flame

The 911 of the week:

I reconnected with an old friend (a girl) that I haven’t seen in ten years. I have a girlfriend and there is nothing wrong with her, but now I cannot stop thinking about this old friend. We live close enough to see each other in person and I have been tempted to set up a meeting. Should I set up a date with the old friend or let it go?

Dear Mr. Back to the Future,

There is a strong psychological reason for you thinking about jumping ship and running off with the blast from the past. When we reconnect with a person that we knew long ago, the memory of them and you from that time comes back and clouds your judgment. For most of us, there is a fondness for when we were more innocent and maybe we see our former self as more authentic. It is possible that the girl from yesterday knows you better and in a different way than your girlfriend might. A good way to keep things in perspective is to think about all the ways that you have changed since you last saw this girl. Think of all the bad choices you made and all the women you put yourself inside before meeting your current girlfriend. Now imagine that girl doing all the bad things you have done. Who is the better catch now?

To see if you are mature enough to meet this person without diving into a hot knew you since middle school sexual affair, I have a test for you. Tell your girlfriend that you connected with a friend from way back, and explain the feelings you are having to her. Invite her to meet the friend with you. If that doesn’t sound like a great idea, then it is not a good idea to meet his girl. If you want to have a pen pal then by all means, keep in touch. Since I am not just a cockblocking advice columnist, here is me throwing you a bone. If you are over your girlfriend and ready to cheat and or break up with her anyway go an ahead and have a play date with the old friend. Be a gentleman and keep your peepee out of her veevee until you can assess old news and officially break it off with current events. Best of luck, remember that you matter most!

http://www.drethangregory.com

@drethangregory

www.facebook.com/drethangregory

Author of I’m Sorry, You are Not a Pick-Up Artist

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My Contribution About Race on Dating Profiles

My Contribution About Race on Dating Profiles

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Evolutionary psychologist Ethan Gregory suggests some current behaviors can be attributed to what helped us survive in the past. He says, “Safety for us meant sticking within the group where we had resources and mates. Strangers were potentially dangerous to interact with.”

“Fast forward to today, where we live in a multi-cultural world, American culture claims itself as a melting pot, but in our homes we develop a preference for those that we are most comfortable with, and that typically means same ethnicity/race as ourselves,” he continued. “It takes open mindedness and bravery to buck tradition and date outside of ones own ethnicity. Props to those brave souls that are willing to not only step out of the closet, but to step out of their ethnic comfort zones as well.”

http://www.drethangregory.com

@drethangregory

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Author of I’m Sorry, You are Not a Pick-Up Artist

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