The reader 911 of the week:
I have never really been the person who judges a person by their looks, but my girlfriend has put on at least 20-30 pounds since we started dating and it bothers me. And it bothers her too in the sense that she always complains about it, but never does anything about it. I'm trying to be the good boyfriend and tell her she's beautiful and sexy and I mean it, but I'm just so tired of hearing her complain about it. She has a membership to a gym, and I tell her that she can do something about it but then she just gets mad at me and apologizes for being fat and ugly. Any suggestions?
Dear Biggest Loser,
Your question brings up a touchy subject. When we join relationships I believe that there are certain expectations that guide our decision. We fell in lust with a person and how they look, then fell in love with them as a person beyond their skin. Issues tend to arise as one or both of the partners in the relationship begin to change physically from the way they were in the beginning. Relationships have ended when one person loses a dramatic amount of weight. Insecurities arise in the partner witnessing the transformation and if the relationship has issues to begin with it can spell the end of a union.
The same can be said for a gain in weight by one of the partners. If you are truly being supportive of your lover, letting her know that you are there for her and not her appearance then you are doing all you can do. Your girlfriend feels like shit about herself and that may be the reason for the weight gain or it may be a symptom of the weight gain. You have a right to let her know that you can see how the weight gain affects her, and you want the best for your girl. You can suggest that the both of you work out, but you can’t force her to get off her ass if she doesn’t want to. You can tell her that it hurts your feelings when she complains and plays victim about her situation when she doesn’t do anything about it, since you love her and wish nothing but the best for her.
Let her know that you are willing to support her in any way she wants, but that you are not willing to be her personal trainer. Mixing those roles can build up a secret animosity that you don’t want. She can complain all day, but let her know that you shouldn’t have to hear it. Start going on more active dates and taking walks instead of sitting around together watching television. Do all you can do, but nothing more. She has some things to work on that were probably there before you, and you want to make sure that you don’t add to that list. Best of luck, remember that you matter most!
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