The reader 911 of the week:
I am 23 yeas old, married for just a year, and I have a five and a half month old daughter. I’m not attracted to my husband anymore and I rarely ever want to have sex, especially since I’ve had the baby. Before I had her, we had sex almost every day but during the pregnancy I started to wonder if I only married him because I was pregnant. There are times when I don’t want to be with him, like I could seriously do without him. He is a great guy and he treats me really well, I am just not attracted to him or his personality. We don’t really have sex anymore. I want to try to work it out for my daughter, but I don’t know if it’s fair to him or me. We came close to a divorce about a month ago but I chickened out. I was thinking that if I learned how to enjoy sex with him again we could start from there, but I feel like I am just having sex with him every now and then to shut him up. Any helpful words?
Dear Baby Momma Drama,
You have quite a dilemma on your hands. With so many heavy issues in your question, I am going to recommend that you seek professional help from a marriage counselor. You mention that your feelings changed during and after your pregnancy, those could be related to your feelings about yourself pre and post-partum.
Post partum depression can come out in many different forms. Tom Cruise thinks that it doesn’t exist, but I have seen enough while investigating child abuse to know different. For some mommies it can be severe enough to drown your children in a tub (Andrea Yates) and for others it can manifest in feeling like your body is ruined, your life is over, and the pressure of motherhood becomes overwhelming. The quality of marriages after childbirth drops way low and can you guess when marital satisfaction goes back up to pre baby level? When the children are out of the house. You need to give yourself an opportunity to have clear and positive thoughts about yourself and your new role as a mommy and wife before you decide to make life changing decisions. Those mommy hormones are flowing through your veins and you should make sure that any decision you make is one that you won’t regret due to not being of sound mind and body. To help yourself create a pros and cons list of questions that you need to answer.
Before you had your baby you had sex all the time. How was it? Did he blow your mind? Did you think he was a super hot stud muffin? If you did it like rabbits and you liked it then I believe that your fire for him can come back. I also believe that getting married just because of a pregnancy is a recipe for disaster later in life. Look in your heart and pull out that truth. Did you marry this man because you thought you had to, and you know that you don’t love him like you should? If you did it is better for you to leave that situation now before your daughter grows to see her parents as unloving towards each other. You have to be happy with yourself in your marriage or happy out of it. Until you are sure of what you want to do you need to use some kind of birth control that won’t interfere with breast feeding your baby (if you are going that route). The last thing you want to do is compound your situation. Children that experience divorce at an early age handle it better than children that are ages 10 and above. See about a new mother group in your community. You will find that you are not alone in your situation. If you can bring your own sexy back, your feelings for your husband might turn around as well. Best of luck, remember that you matter most!
Author of I’m Sorry, You are Not a Pick-Up Artist
photo credit here