I am attending a wedding this weekend and I am going as a single man. I was wondering if you have had any advice about wedding hook ups, since there is the stereotype, like the movie Wedding Crashers that weddings are the place to get lucky. What can I do to improve my chances of getting a girl to say “I do”?  

Dear Mr. Chicken or Fish,

I too have wondered about the validity of the wedding stereotype. I have been attending more and more weddings recently as my friends pair off to mate for life or death do they part. I have always gone single to the weddings and I have always gone home alone, but not from a lack of trying. See what one of my peers thinks about wedding hookup rules here. The last wedding I attended I traveled with another friend and was rooming with a young lady that shared her perspective on the myth with us. She stated that the stereotype of emotions are true; meaning that the girls that are at the wedding are thinking about their special day in the future and how much they want to be loved for life and they are all ooey gooey inside.

How that translates into a sexual appetite is different for every woman. Being at a wedding is a great place to do some experimenting. As a single man you are able to make your time be valuable or you can be a wallflower all night hugging the open bar.

The ceremony is a good place to observe what you have to work with. Sitting in the row just behind the family is a great place to see everyone that comes in and who they are there for. This will help the conversation later when you approach whoever with “So how do you know insert bride or groom”?

The reception is nothing more than a glorified petting zoo. Everyone will be grouped according to their breeds and availability to be stroked or petted. You will more than likely be at a table with other singles or people like yourself.

During the early part of the reception pay close attention to the people that spend their time at the bar. The women that are bellying up may be there to loosen up their moral garters, or they may be there to drown away their sorrow about being a bridesmaid and never the bride. If there is a single woman at your table, chances are that you may have a head start at a connection since you are both alone and about to get wasted. Within the first few minutes of dialogue with her make sure that you bring up a funny story with you and whoever invited you, and ask her why she decided to come alone, not “are you single?”

When the dancing begins you have two objectives. The first is to dance with the oldest or most physically handicapped of all the guests. People will see you doing your good deed and will be warmed by your compassion as well as impressed by your bravery. This will let any potential unknown suitor for your services come to the surface. The second is to ask the cutie downing the gin and sprites to dance. She may say no at first, but she will come around when her song comes on. Continue to work the room using your petting zoo map. The single girls flock together usually by a water source. When you approach, introduce yourself and wait until a break in the conversation to single out the one you want to pet. You can’t scare one of the animals or the group will attack.

Once you know who you are most interested in then find her married friend (they all have one). Ask her to dance; she will say yes since husbands don’t dance.  Now you are part of a sick foreplay game for married couples at weddings. During your dance you are going to ask about the status of your desirable. If she is single and she thinks you are cute the married girl will introduce you. If the answer is no, then she will tell you she has a boyfriend. Accept whatever she says as truth. If more than one slow song is played in a row, it is just about closing time. Round up the lush that rejected you earlier and tell her that you have waited long enough for her to come ask you to dance, and go cut a rug. Be charming and invite her for the after party back at the hotel bar. Yes means yes, no means no. You are half way home at that point either way. Don’t forget a condom, and don’t mention it. Best of luck, remember that you matter most!

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Author of I’m Sorry, You are Not a Pick-Up Artist and I’m Sorry, You are Not a Disney Princess

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