The 911 of the week
My relationship ended last month and I haven’t been able to clear my head of what went wrong. My ex and I had been together for a few years off and on. Each time we broke up it was because she felt trapped in the relationship and wanted to see what else was out there for her. Now she is saying that she doesn’t love me the way she used to. I wasn’t always the most considerate boyfriend while we were together and I might have helped to push her away. She says that I am her best friend and she wants me in her life. How do I get all of this off of my mind, and should I try and win her back?
Dear Mr. Groundhog Day,
Breaking up is hard. Being left is even harder. Being a man being left is the hardest. By virtue of having a penis we are gendered to believe that we are in control of our lives and anything negative happening to us is our fault(just ask our girlfriends). The sad part about your situation is that it is your fault. You didn’t intend to be in this situation, but there are actions that occurred previous to when your relationship ended this last time that could have been avoided. Love makes people do terrible things to themselves, and sometimes to others. You can feel better knowing that your relationship didn’t end when you broke up a few weeks ago.
Your girlfriend has been out of the relationship since way back when she broke up with you the first time. When a person says that they do not want to be in a relationship they mean it. More specifically they mean that they do not want to be in a relationship with the person they are with. The mistake you made was to take her back after the second break up. There is a saying; if you love something set it free, if it comes back it’s meant to be. Life doesn’t always work out like that. Your girl might have meant to be single and to date other dudes while she grew as a person, but she probably just had a few one-night stands and drank a lot of red wine with her girlfriends.
When she got lonely, she went where she felt comfortable, which was with you because you love her and you are safe for her. That is why she says you are her best friend. You are her best friend because I bet if she treated anyone over the past few years the way that she treated you she wouldn’t have any other friends. Your love for her kept you making the same bad choices to keep her in your life. You can regret that, or you can be proud of yourself for being loyal to a person and forgiving someone (something some people never do). Now you find yourself in a position to stand up for your pride as well as grow as an individual.
You have been infected with a virus for a long time, and the only antidote is to remove this tumor from your heart and life space. If she can keep you as a friend, then she can receive the benefit of you in her life, and date other people. You need to delete her number from your phone, block her on social media, and stop receiving texts from her. Let her feel what it is like to truly live without you. You are the man! You will find a hot chick with less issues and lower self esteem that will fill up that space your ex girlfriend created. If you put in a little work over the next few weeks and months you can then decide to let your ex back into your life as friends only.
Do not let loneliness be your life coach. Mr. Lonely will have you repeating the same patterns. Make an effort to go out and enjoy life, pick up a new hobby or an old one. Stay busy, and don’t close yourself off to anyone but your ex. She expects you to be there for her when she feels like shit. When she feels like that, treat her like one and flush her away (at least for the next few months). A good book about breaking it off completely is Its Called a Breakup Because it's Broken, by Greg Behrendt. Best of luck, remember that you matter most!
Author of I’m Sorry, You are Not a Pick-Up Artist
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