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When a Partner Goes Down, Emotions Come Up

When a Partner Goes Down, Emotions Come Up

http://www.drethangregory.com

@drethangregory

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Author of I’m Sorry, You are Not a Pick-Up Artist

The 911 of the week:

My issue is that when I give it up, if there is a spark between us, a connection, and the sex was spine tingling, I get emotional and want more than just physical stuff. The bad thing that I do is telling these guys about my feelings after a few dates and totally run them off. I do have guys that want to know about me and they want me to be their girl, but I have no attraction to them. If I am just going to have a fling, how do I not get so attached?

Dear Ms. Best of Both Worlds,

You are not alone in your situation. The stereotype is that women have a hard time separating their emotions from sex. Women are taught from birth that sex equals love, so of course you are going to have lovey dovey feelings after some yummy sex. With oxytocin and society influencing you, it becomes hard to resist building intimacy with a sex partner. Unfortunately for women everywhere, men are taught the opposite (at least the ones out having casual sex). Your reward for being brave enough to share your body with a man is often no return call and unmet expectations for the near future. There is a real simple way to ensure you get what you want out of the man emotionally, but it does not happen overnight.

If you are able to hold out until you and the man develop rapport and intimacy outside of the bedroom there is a chance he will start investing some emotional energy in you. This is not about slut shaming or telling you that he won’t buy the cow if the milk is free. A man that is only looking for a short-term hookup will not take the time to get to know a girl because he isn’t interested in that. A good way to tell is if he only wants to meet you when it is dark outside, or one or both of you is drunk when you get together. Any man worth having you as a sexual partner will wait at least a month before he stops calling.

Game playing isn’t something I recommend, but a man is like a roach. If you leave food out it will come out at night and eat, but he’s gone in the morning. If you keep your house clean for a while, only a persistent critter is going to keep coming back. Once you decide that a man has stuck around long enough, then BAM! Close that venus-mantrap of yours around him, and you have yourself a boyfriend. In the mean time have hot sex with an asshole if you want, but as long as you have a potential partner to keep your mind on, sex can be sex without the emotional investment. Partnership is a numbers game. Enjoy your Netflix and chills, just make sure that you are also meeting other potential partners during the day. Best of luck, remember that you matter most!

http://www.drethangregory.com

@drethangregory

www.facebook.com/drethangregory

Author of I’m Sorry, You are Not a Pick-Up Artist

Recover from a spending spree

Recover from a spending spree

Six ways to recover financially after a spending spree

  By Matt AldertonOctober 14, 2015

Shopping till you drop can wear you out and max out your credit cards. Getting back on track after a spending spree takes time, effort and a focus on avoiding the urge to splurge in the future.

A little retail therapy is normal, says Ethan Gregory, a counselor, psychologist and advice columnist. ''If we are seeking a mood boost, shopping fits the bill.'' He adds, ''It makes sense why someone could be a shopaholic or prone to splurging.''

Most shoppers, though, exercise self-control. ''Their shopping is mindful, not mindless,'' says Bruce Sanders, author of “Sell Well: What Really Moves Your Shoppers.”

But what happens when retail therapy turns into a shopping binge?

The best way forward after a spending spree is to get back on course.

Here are six ways to regroup, recalibrate your budget and recognize the triggers to avoid future spending sprees and their credit hangover:

1. Stop the bleeding.

Before you do anything else, stop shopping. ''Easier said than done, but it's a crucial first step,'' says Albie DiBenedetto, marketing and education supervisor at American Consumer Credit Counseling in Auburndale, Massachusetts.

''Don't shop as a hobby, or just to pass time. If the urge does strike, try thinking wants and needs,'' he says. ''Do you need those shoes? Or do you need to pay your rent this month? Do you need the $150 jeans? Or can you find a less expensive pair that will do?''

Don't shop as a hobby, or just to pass time. If the urge does strike, try thinking wants and needs. Do you need those shoes? Or do you need to pay your rent this month?”
– Albie DiBenedetto,
marketing and education supervisor at American Consumer Credit Counseling

If the line between ''needs'' and ''wants'' seems fuzzy, try the 10-second rule. ''If you're considering a purchase, give yourself 10 seconds to decide,'' DiBenedetto says. ''If it's an absolute necessity, then it's an easy choice. If it takes more than 10 seconds to decide, then it's a 'no.'''

2. Recalibrate your budget.

''Getting out of debt does require a certain amount of discipline, but making a slip-up certainly isn't the end of the world,'' says DiBenedetto.

If you spend money you shouldn't have spent, ''the key is reevaluating your situation and looking for areas in your budget where you can make adjustments to help you catch back up.

''That might mean, for example, that if you usually go out to dinner twice a week, next week you don't go out to dinner at all and you use the money you save to get back on track.''

3. Close your shopping card.

If you funded your spending spree with a credit card, paying off the charges and then closing the card could give you the positive reinforcement you need to correct course, Sanders says. And while closing a card can hurt your credit score, the benefits of getting out of debt outweigh closing an account or two.

''Consumer behavior research finds that a good predictor of success in getting out of debt is the number of credit accounts closed toward the start of the program,'' Sanders says. ''The dollar balance of the credit accounts closed during the initial effort is not a good predictor. Instead, the momentum of closing accounts makes the difference.''

4. Eliminate triggers.

 ''Learn to spot the triggers so you head off overspending,'' says Sanders.

That sounds easier than it is. ''Correcting the habit of overspending takes some behavior interventions to eliminate the exposure to the trigger, and some proactive behaviors to make it harder to give in to the desire,'' says Gregory.

We can't avoid advertisements and online marketing completely, but we can avoid visiting the sites where we are more likely to spend.”
– Ethan Gregory, a counselor, psychologist and advice columnist

''We can't avoid advertisements and online marketing completely, but we can avoid visiting the sites where we are more likely to spend,'' he says. And carrying a small amount of cash and not using a card can will eliminate adding to your card balances.

''Also, putting yourself on a budget that allows for a minor reward in the same way we might have a cheat meal in our diet could help a person develop more moderation.''

5. Keep your receipts.

One of the things about buying stuff is that you typically can return it.

''After a shopping spree, when you've had time to think about your purchases, make some returns,'' DiBenedetto says. ''You'll probably realize that you spent too much, so go ahead and bring some things back.''

6. Pay for your mistakes.

When you go on a shopping spree with a credit card, you come home with more stuff — and more debt. The sooner you pay off that new debt, the sooner you can move on.

Some people may start small, nipping away at their debt much as a snowball builds as it rolls downhill. You lay out all your debts and pay them off in order from the smallest balance to the highest balance.

Others may prefer the avalanche approach, paying off debts from the highest interest rate card to the lowest interest rate card. Either way works, DiBenedetto says.

Going on a spending spree is like binging on ice cream. You know you shouldn't, but when you do, you have to work off the debt. You also must recognize the signs that your spending is going off the rails — you want to keep an occasional taste of ice cream from turning into a daily date with Ben and Jerry.


Read more: http://www.creditcardguide.com/creditcards/shopping-2/6-ways-to-recover-financially-after-a-spending-spree/#ixzz3ojntYbia

 

http://www.drethangregory.com

@drethangregory

www.facebook.com/drethangregory

Author of I’m Sorry, You are Not a Pick-Up Artist

 

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